yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
