He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
