She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
