Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
