No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
