If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
