Me too!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
