My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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