All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
