I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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