I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
