We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
