you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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