Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
