atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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