Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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