I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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