so that wasnt chicken after all
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
