Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
