her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
