i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i will never coherently bang her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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