I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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