My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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