i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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