I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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