trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
