Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
