see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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