Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
