living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
