Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
