a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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