I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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