I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
