Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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