I met the friendliest cop last night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
