My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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