If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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