one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
