I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
