this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
