I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
