I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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