Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
