we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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