I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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