she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
