my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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