I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
