she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
